I sure love these people
I remember 16 years ago when I used to wake up at night afraid that my baby wasn’t breathing. I would check on her multiple times through the night to make sure she was safe. I was so worried that something would happen to her that I could have prevented. I knew I couldn’t forgive myself if it did.
I have come to know my God more personally since then. I not only learned more about him and His ways, but I have talked with Him often, felt Him near me and have been inspired to know what to do or say in even “small” things. I have seen His hand over and over in the details of my life. I have come to understand that just because God knows what choices I will make does not mean that I am not making them. The way is prepared for me to learn and grow from my mistakes, weakness, and even rebellion (when I repent). Life and my interactions in it are a beautiful symphony.
“I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Confused at the Grace that so fully he proffers me.”
I really am no longer afraid of myself or what circumstances may befall me and I’m learning to not fear judgement of others. I am learning not to rush. I know it will all work together for good in the end if my desires are right.
Yet I do “fear” God. Not in the sense that I am afraid of what he’ll do to me (that would be mortal fear). But in the sense that I love Him so much that I want to serve Him with my whole heart. This “fear” inspires me to want to be sincere about my motives and to work to rid myself of self-deception.
Worldly fear inspires worry, shame, and a desire for control. It is an illusion.
Godly fear inspires sincerity. I want lots more of it.
I have been re-reading a book about wholeheartedness with my Great Works class. She teaches to cultivate authenthenticity, self-compassion, a resilient spirit, gratitude and joy, intuition and faith, creativity, play and rest, calm and stillness, meaningful work, and laughter, song and dance.
It all comes down to sincerity. I want to love God enough to give Him an honest heart. An honest heart is the ground for cultivating all of the above traits.
We went on a nature walk for class yesterday. We walked to a river. We had watched a video about Zayin (a letter in the Hebrew alphabet that symbolizes perfection through the “sword of the Spirit” – or the plow that prepares the ground for growing the seed of potential). I asked, “if this river represented the boundary – the commandments or the rules – and I am standing as close to the edge of it as possible without breaking the rules, what does that tell me about the state of my heart? Where is it?” As young lady said, “It is already on the other side.”
Excactly. And in a short time my actions will follow. If my goal in the gospel is to live life however I want as long as I don’t “break the rules” – my heart is already on the other side. I am living a fragmented life – fighting constantly with what I want vs what God wants. I feel caged. My question is: “How can I get what I want without breaking the rules?” The answer is – ultimately I can’t. Not with this divided attitude.
But if my heart truly trusts God, wants to follow where He leads, and be close to his nourishing, loving, peaceful Spirit – then I am asking, “How can I serve thy children today dear Father?” The answer leads to clarity, reaching my potential, and having a whole heart. Plus, He has promised me all that He has.
Anyway, when I think of all that He has done for me – I want to at least be honest with him.
Some other highlights from Thursday and Friday:
I went to Symphonies Showcase with the kids Thursday night.
Cassia’s friends preformed a song that Cassia wrote the Lyrics to. Isaiah wrote the music. Here he is with his sister, Gracious, preforming it that night:
I loved it. Not only was it a great song, but I loved watching these talented young people, working together to share some good with the world. It made my heart happy 🙂
Here is another song in which Cassia and Jess preformed “Best Day of My Life”
They sound great.
And here pictures of us walking on a nature trail to a park (you know we love parks 😉 )
Last night Cassia, Jess and I watched BBC’s “Cranford” with some friends. We laughed a lot, it was so funny. It was also 5 hours long so we were up late. But it was worth it. At least I think so – we’ll see how we all function today!
Learning Love - My Story 