Do High Expectations Cause Anxiety and Perfectionism?

Early last year, when I realized Cassia was struggling (see her blog for details), the hardest question for me – besides “how can I help her?” – was, “What did I do wrong? How did I create this in her?”

As I researched her struggle  I found that often those type of problems stemmed from a need of control in one’s life. I wondered,  “Am I too controlling?  Maybe we need less structure and lower expectations.” And then later I would think,  “There is a lot of chaos in our house,  maybe I don’t have enough structure and she is seeking some sense of control.” I worked hard to figure out what I was doing wrong.  It was humbling.

Today I want to share some of what I have learned from that experience for parents who have a child who struggles.

After my last post,  someone warned me that my expectations were unrealistic and that I did my children damage by placing the bar so high. The comment mentioned Cassia and implied that her struggles were largely my fault. I was grateful for this person’s concern and for their willingness to be honest with me. I also appreciated the self questioning I went through again as I pondered on what I had learned from Cassia’s trials. And for the inspiration for this post.

I was also grateful for the closeness I felt to the Spirit as He came to comfort me. The comment confirmed some worries I had initially felt as I wondered how people would judge me when she decided to share her story publically. It hurt to feel judged, but I do find that hurt in my heart helps me feel the Spirit more keenly, and yesterday was a spiritual day. I do not resent this person’s comment at all – I knew they expressed it with a sincere love for my kids and I felt that love.

Just to clarify, my biggest concern when Cassia decided to start a blog about her struggle was that people would not understand her and would judge her unfairly. She is one of the most beautiful people I know (on the inside I mean, though also on the outside) and I did not want anyone to misunderstand her. People are so quick to judge sometimes. But the thought also briefly entered  my mind (only for a moment, mind you), that people would also judge me as a parent. I know others feel that way sometimes too.

So after pondering all this, I decided to write this post for other parents that have kids who struggle and who worry about what they did wrong in their parenting.

A plan beyond our control
I have learned that the message in this song is true:

“You’re world’s not falling apart it’s falling into place…” It sometimes feels like we must have done something wrong to have had this happen. Well, we did do some things wrong. We all mess up as parents. But that is part of the plan. And there are many contributing factors to a person’s struggles (our parenting is just one of them). God knew our limits and weakness when he sent us this child. He knew we and our child would both learn much from them.

Through this trial, I have seen Cassia discover important things about herself, I have seen her grow close her Heavenly Father (I love the page on her blog titled “What I believe“), I have seen her start to find her voice and start to use it for good.

I have been blessed by my studies on perfectionism and I have tried to share what I have learned with others. I now make a greater effort to make sure my kids know that mistakes are tangible proof that they are learning and trying new things. I make a greater effort to make sure they know that weaknesses are not bad and that sin is repairable. I have always been careful to let them know I love them regardless of their behavior, but I now remind them of it more consistently and remind them often that we are here to help and forgive one another in our weakness.

A small example: yesterday morning I asked one of my boys to wake up my daughter for devotional. He argued that a different sibling should have to go do it and that sibling argued that the other sibling should go do it. I didn’t have a good reason why I couldn’t just go do it, so I got up and went. They were both mad at each other for “making mom go do it.” When I got back, I just said, “you both just feel bad for not helping me – that’s good, you should be helpful when asked –  but we all make mistakes and that is okay, they help us learn. So let’s forgive and move on.” And we did.

High expectations
I have learned that their is a difference between teaching truth with righteous standards and having unrealistic expectations. The standards are high. The more we learn, the more we find how far we are from living as we should. But that is okay. God works wonders with humble people. My latest blog post was not about my expectations. It was an examination into righteous standards. We can’t walk towards a destination if we are unclear where that destination is. We begin to see it line upon line, and as we do, the step we can take now becomes more clear, even if we are still a ways off.

I asked my older kids what they thought about my post and about it’s high standard. They both said it gave them a sense of peace and comfort to understand principles to guide their behavior. They know they won’t always live the principles they have learned, but they understand that this is okay. That mistakes are an expected proof that they are moving in the right direction.

Mistakes
If we are not making mistakes, we are not progressing. In fact, if we think we are not making mistakes – our mistake is that we are not seeking true principles enough and don’t see the ideal in the distance towards which to steer.

So I have learned that high standards are very good for us, they give us a sense of safety and direction when coupled with the understanding that mistakes are expected, and learning through them is celebrated.

Do I believe in high expectations? I guess I do. I expect a high level of mistakes. I know that is how we learn.

I love this quote I read this morning by Elder David Bednar:

“‘For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved’

A misunderstanding of what it means to be perfect can result in perfectionism—an attitude or behavior that takes an admirable desire to be good and turns it into an unrealistic expectation to be perfect now.

Perfectionism sometimes arises from the feeling that only those who are perfect deserve to be loved or that we do not deserve to be happy unless we are perfect.

What helps those who battle perfectionist tendencies? Open-ended, supportive inquiries communicate acceptance and love. They invite others to focus on the positive. They allow us to define what we feel is going well. Family and friends can avoid competitive comparisons and instead offer sincere encouragement.

For those who may feel chronically burdened or anxious, sincerely ask yourself, ‘Do I define perfection and success by the doctrines of the Savior’s atoning love or by the world’s standards? Do I measure success or failure by the Holy Ghost confirming my righteous desires or by some worldly standard?'”

Important words to ponder.

I cannot hope to write all I have learned through Cassia’s trial in one blog post. But I can testify that all experiences can work together for our good. God knows who He sends his children to. The unique combination of strengths and weaknesses in each family provide optimal growth for each member in it. Or Savior’s Atonement makes all that seems wrong come to right. I love Him and his gentle guidance and comfort through the lessons of life. I have seen His hand even in the details. He had been near me and with my amazing daughter every step the way.

I found this performance of one of my favorite songs. I thought it was beautiful.